Victoria: Hello and welcome to season two of Hello CoachCast. I’m Victoria Mills, and today we’re diving into the fascinating world of attachment styles. We’ll be exploring how to identify your attachment style and look at how this can lead to better, happier relationships. We’ll also look at strategies for releasing attachments, healing old wounds and finding your inner genius. What an amazing topic. Whether you are struggling to maintain a healthy relationship or just want to get ahead professionally, or perhaps wanting to understand yourself better, our guest today has tips to help you on your journey towards connection and discovery.

Here with me on this episode is Coach Alejandro, who is a business, wellbeing and relationship coach with 10 years of experience working with professionals and entrepreneurs to help them improve their consciousness and achieve their goals. After a career spent in leadership roles, Alejandro decided to use his skills and experience in helping individuals really and truly identify their inner genius. So welcome here today. It’s wonderful to have you on our CoachCast.

Alejandro: Victoria, thank you very much for the nice introduction. I’m very happy to be here. By the way, my, it’s my first podcast with Hello Coach, so I’m really excited to be, recording this with you and I look forward to having a very nice conversation with you.

Victoria: Amazing. I’m happy that it is your very first time on Hello CoachCast, and look forward to having you back. I think it’s such a fascinating topic being able to really tap into your inner genius and attachment styles. For our listeners who may not have awareness or education around attachment styles, could you just walk us through, A definition of what an attachment style is and how that impacts a connection with our inner genius.

Alejandro: Okay, great. Victoria, thank you very much. First of all, attachment style refers to the way we do relate with other people, right? And especially with our partners. And why is this important in relation to our partners? Because in the end, when we have um, relationship with our partners, that reflects the relationship we had with our parents in the past when we were kids.

So, in the end, when we choose our partners we try to maybe make a choice depending on what we learned when we were kids and depending on the way we were attaching to our parents, we’re going to be replicating that relationship with our partner. That’s why it’s very important to understand the attachment that we had with our parents to be able to understand why this is happening or repeating with our partners.

So, attachment is, that refers to the way we. Or communicate or have a relationship with our partners, right? And depending on the level that may be good or might not be good, I mean healthy or unhealthy.

Victoria: That’s really fascinating. What would be the most common question? If someone is wanting to explore their attachment style, what is the most common question that you get asked as a coach who specialises in this area?

Alejandro: Okay, good. So, the question is basically, how can I just release myself from this attachment? How can I release from this anxiety? How can I overcome a conflicted relationship? How can I maybe manage to be able to have a better relationship with my partner and when this is happening we try to look at the surface, which is really the relationship, right?

However, in the end, the relationship is not the real cause or the root cause, is more about understanding what happened when we were kids. Because as I said, we are replicating what we just learned when we were kids with our partners. So that’s why when they come to me and they want to release that level of anxiety or may be trying to improve the commitment or trying to improve the avoidance level.

They want to find a solution so that they can have a better relationship with their partners, right? And when they tell me this, I know that there’s something underlying that conflict, that issue that it comes to, again, understanding the way they were behaving with their parents when they were kids.

Victoria: So, for our listeners that are tuning into this conversation today, what would be some of the signs and symptoms that they may have an issue or a block around an attachment style?

Alejandro: Yes. So yes, Victoria. So basically, they will be facing conflictive relationships. And because of this, they might not be aware of the attachment style. So, one of the signs could be anxiety when communicating with a partner or maybe feeling lonely or feeling that the level of commitment is very different from one person to the other.

Or that maybe the plans that they, they have in the future don’t align according to what is planned or according to what they expect. And at the same time, they feel avoidance from their partner. So, these are kind of the signs that maybe a person that is maybe not aware of passing through a conflicted relationship might be facing before understanding the level of attachment.

Victoria: I’d love to hear with your experience in this space, an example of a client who has come to you and is aware that they please others first before putting themselves first. Walk me through how you would help coach someone through that space to get out through the other side of where they’re obviously feeling less motivated to please others and actually start putting in healthy boundaries.

Just, I’d love to hear an example of someone that has come to you with this issue that they’re wanting to unpack with you.

Alejandro: Yes. Great. And as I said, Victoria, it’s very common that clients come to us, trying to find or maybe look for support. However, the underlying cause is not that clear. That’s why we as coaches help them understand the real cause behind the potential issue, right? A client came to me because was looking for professional advice.

The person was working at the company, but the person was not really happy with the work environment and with the relationship with their boss. So, the person was trying to step out and maybe run their own business because was not really comfortable working in a work environment that is, you know, as an employee.

And then the person when doing this, this sort of question and answers, the person came to me and I was analyzing his relationship with their partner. And he was replicating kind of the same things with his partner in the workplace. So, what happened with the person? He was being more avoidant.

So, for him, having a person controlling him in the workplace was very tricky. He was feeling anxious about it because he wanted more flexibility. But way we managed to understand that is because he was replicating the same thing when dealing with his partner. And when assessing the person at a relationship level, we understand why this person chose this person.

So normally a person who is more, a person who is more avoidant attached tries to attract a person who is more anxious attached. Because in the end, opposite pole attract. But the person was not aware of that. And then going deeply into the coaching process. We took a few sessions. The person was able to understand the relationship with this person, with his parents when he was. And he managed to replicate or to assume or to absorb in the way his father was dealing with his mother. So, he understood that this was ‘right’, because when we are kids, we observe and we understand that everything that our parents do, it’s correct, it’s perfect.

So, he was assuming that the way his father was behaving with his mother was correct. So he learned over time that practice and managed to do the same thing with his partner. And then going into the workplace. Bumping into a boss who was very controlling, very demanding, and that triggered that avoidant attachment style.

That’s why in the end, when the client comes to us with something, maybe the potential cause, maybe it’s not that. It’s something more, it’s something deeper that is underlying the real cost behind this issue.

Victoria: Alejandro. You were mentioning before around, and I think it’s a wonderful point to stop and talk more around when we are aware that, we may be carrying some anxiety but it’s showing up in our career or our professional selves. Often our attachments can permeate and what I call transfer. Other areas in our life, such as who we are, our behaviours and our decisions can often permeate and transfer into our relationships when we have, negative or learned attachment styles that just don’t support us as grown adults.

So, I always find it very, it’s a fascinating topic because we all have attachment styles. We’re all influenced, you know, from our childhood and through our main caregivers growing up. And often the journey of life is, particularly in relationships, we will bring in and attract certain people to either avoid or help fulfil a particular attachment style that we may or may not be aware of. And often I’ve, in my career as a coach, coached many couples in this space around the dynamics between how these attachment styles actually interact with one another.

And it’s a fascinating journey to be able to go on to help understand the dynamics of where there is conflict in relationships and or there are frustrations happening at work that we will often, not by magic, but we will attract certain people that also have similar attachment styles. And I have always said to clients over the years, it’s actually a wonderful opportunity for you to be able to unpack and heal. Your own attachment styles, which is what’s triggering off a lot of these events around you.

And I would imagine, I’m curious, I’m probably going to segue for a moment, I’ve seen some profound results that have come out from personal coaching, but Alejandro, I would love to know what have been some of the big results that you have seen when you have taken people on this journey of helping them unpack their attachment style?

Alejandro: Okay, Victoria, thank you. Yes. So basically, when a client comes to us we think that initially there’s a root cause that is, of course, causing this issue with the person and of course is trying to affect or is affecting their relationship with their partner. But then one of the biggest realizations is that in the end, it’s not about their partner, it’s about what happened when they were.

But of course, many people don’t realise it at the beginning because we look at the surface of the conflictive relationship, which is causing that issue, that problem, right? But then the underlying cause is even more important and deeper. So the beautiful thing about this journey of being a coach for people who are passing through conflicted relationships is understanding that when they manage to heal what happened in the past when they were kids, they managed to sort out the issue with their relationships.

For example, a person who is having a conflicted relationship might be, for example, anxious. That is anxious-attached, right? A person who is anxious-attached tries to please others. Try to do many things to convince the person to be with them all the time because they need support.

They need the company, they need assurance. But when the person leaves, the other person leaves, right? They feel lonely, they feel abandoned. So usually, the attachment style that is related to anxiety is because of the abandonment wound when they were kids. So, understanding this is very important because we tend to analyze what happened with the person and with the parents.

So maybe there was an abandonment issue in the past that the person was not aware of. And because of this, the person was always trying to please their partner to be with them in order to avoid abandonment. When the person managed to heal. This is very, is crucial because it’s not about the partner abandon him, it’s more about understanding why he’s attracting or she’s attracting those partners with those features to their life over and over again without finding a solution. It’s because the childhood wound is still there without being resolved. Without being healed. And that’s why that happens in relationships. So, the beautiful thing, Victoria, is understanding that when we manage to understand the attachment style, we heal also our relationship with our partners.

Victoria: So that’s wonderful to hear that. So, when someone goes on the journey of really being able to understand and unpack attachment styles, what are some of the things that they could expect from coaching and being a part of this journey?

Alejandro: Yes. They, we usually assess people in terms of, for example, the level of commitment so they will understand. What is the commitment level with their partner? They tend to be more avoidant or more anxious or more secure. That’s the first assessment to be able to understand the level of commitment.

Some people are really comfortable with commitment, but some people don’t like it because they feel controlled. So, understanding the level of commitment will be part of the main learnings out of this coaching process. The second one will be the level of confidence. So, the level of confidence means that if the person is really confident about what they do in life at the workplace, or with their friends, it’s a good clue to help us understand the level of attachment.

And finally, the level of emotional expression or expressiveness. Because when the person expresses love to their partner in a different way to maybe the other partner or the other way around will be crucial to understand if the feelings are being repressed, the feelings are being controlled. Or the feelings are being packed into something different because they learned something in the past when they were kids.

So, analyzing those three, let’s say layers will be part of the outcomes the person will be able to understand and to realise about when doing a coaching process to release attachment styles.

Victoria: Thank you, Alejandro, for that explanation. It’s, it is such, I mean, look, our relationships are key in our lives and to understand more around who we are and. Where our behaviours are coming from to then help us improve and be a better self and understand the dynamics of why you get upset and frustrated.

To be able to take it back to understanding your particular attachment style and looking at what actually needs or is an opportunity to look at what actually needs tweaking and shifting. And also, there are some positive things that come out of it because the more you obviously get to know who you are. And the more you can actually show up for yourself and your family, friends, partners, work colleagues, and all the other relationships that you have around you. I’m curious, what have been some of the greatest insights that your clients have shared with you as a result of unpacking their attachment style?

Alejandro: Yes, Victoria. So, when they manage to understand the level of attachment style, they can heal, first of all, the relationship at the workplace. Why? Because many of my clients come to me trying to fix a conflicted relationship at the workplace. Because in the end we spent a lot of time at the workplace, even working from home or working at the company, but it’s all about working.

So, when they understand that they’re replicating their relationship with their boss, for example, or work colleagues as they were used to when they were kids, they understand that what is happening in the workplace is just a reflection of what is on the inside. So, they don’t blame anymore their boss.

Or they don’t blame anymore their colleagues because they do understand that’s a consequence of what happened when they were kids. So, this part of the learnings that they, of course, they get out of this coaching process. The other thing that they learn is that, and this is beautiful, that I would like to share this with you all, is that in the end, our relationship is not meant to make us happier.

It’s meant to make us more conscious. Because we attracted that person into our life to improve consciousness, to understand why I attracted this wife or this husband to my life in order to understand the way I was behaving with my parents, or my parents were behaving with me. So understanding this is beautiful because in the end, that person, that partner is just in our life to make us more conscious.

Which is the beauty of this proof of coaching. And finally, Victoria, is that when we heal our wound that is attached or linked to the attachment style, we discover our genius. Clients discover their genius because they start a proof of filling the gap, filling what is missing feeling what was denied when there were kids.

When they fill that empty space, they’re able to discover the real reason why they came to this world. So, they managed to understand their real talents and they work on their talents and they shape their talents into, converting that into a genius. Their genius. And when they find their genius, they’re able to do their job, their things over time living up their genius with everything that they do without attaching to anyone.

So, they’re keen to have healthier relationships as a company, right? They are here. They’re keen to help others. They’re keen to work in a workplace, but without attachment because they’re already fulfilled on the inside. They closed the gap because they discovered their genius, and when they do that, we are all able to have healthier relationships.

Victoria: What a wonderful summary, Alejandro, there is. Gosh, so many areas. I could segue from that wonderful description of results and the impact of what happens when someone does start to go down this journey. It goes into really also, unpacking stuck behaviours, mindsets, judgments, and assumptions that we have.

That happens when we grow up and we get influenced by parents, caretakers and all the rest of it, to ultimately, this is the journey right, of being able to evolve and grow and heal to become a whole human being. And there is a wonderful conversation that I’d love to pick up another time around interdependence, independence, and co-dependence because these all stem from our attachments. And to have someone who, Alejandro, we love having you on the team because I think this is such a critical part of our personal and professional growth as human beings to ultimately become a whole human being without needing validation, external praise, et cetera for who we are.

And to be able to draw on that ourselves is incredibly freeing and liberating, and therefore really taps into that inner genius space. So, thank you so much for having a conversation with us today. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I would love to get you back to have another conversation about interdependence, independence, and codependence and how and the impact of our relationships around us.

Alejandro: Well, Victoria, thank you very much for your words. It was lovely to, of course, have this conversation with you because in the end, we as coaches are here to help. To help others find their genius, their purpose, right? And to understand their relationships, right? So that we can help them to heal what is happening at the moment.

So, it was really good to be with you all here and thank Victoria for hosting this podcast episode. And I will be more than happy to join you next time to talk more about the level of interdependence. So, thank you very much for your invitation today to be part of this podcast.

Victoria: Thank you, Alejandro. So, you’ve heard it from both of us today. If you are. Curious and ready to embrace the discovery of your inner genius, then you can match and find Coach Alejandro on Hello-Coach.com. So, thank you very much for tuning in to today’s episode. If you have enjoyed the content, we would love you to subscribe like, share, or leave a review on your favourite podcast platform. So, thank you again for joining us today on the conversation of finding your inner genius, and we look forward to having another conversation with you next week.